Tag: Psychology

The African Violet – A Teaching Tale About Milton H. Erickson

Back in the 1950s, Milton Erickson, the godfather of hypnotherapy, talked to one of his clients, a Detroit physician, who asked him for a favour.

His client knew that Erickson had a speaking gig scheduled in Milwaukee, the same city where the client’s beloved but severely depressed aunt lived.

His client was worried, so he asked Erickson if he would look her up and see if he could help her in some way.

Erickson agreed, so one day he knocked at the door of the lady.

The door opened.

There she was an old rich lady withering away.

The aunt was 53 years old and was living alone in a great big house with a great big yard.

She was unmarried, had no children and no friends, and with that, no one to share her immense wealth with.

Erickson found out that she was an active and proud Christian who was active in her local church community in the past. Still, these days, she barely attended any of the services anymore, and when she did, she did not talk to anybody there.

The only people in her life were her housekeeper and her maid who came each morning to do the housework, prepare the meals and wash the dishes.

After the introduction, Erickson demanded that he be given a tour of the house because he wanted to inspect the house to get a clearer picture of her.

She reluctantly agreed.

All of the blinds were closed.

The house was dark and deprived of colour.

It was gloomy, and you could see that the owner of the house was not happy.

The last room the old lady showed Dr Erickson could not be more different; it was full of light and filled with three gorgeous adult African violets, which were in full bloom.

There was even a fourth spot where the old lady had planted a leaf to grow into the fourth flower.

Standing in the flower room, Erickson felt compelled to talk:

“I can see what your problem is”, he began.

“What do you mean?” said the old woman obviously confused.

Erickson turned towards her and looked her deep in her eyes and said:

“You are a bad Christian”.

He hit a nerve, and the depressed woman, visibly insulted by the psychiatrist finally managed to speak up:

“What do you mean?”

“Here you are with all this money, time on your hands, and a green thumb.  And, it’s all going to waste”  Erickson explained.

“In accordance with your family’s wishes, I’m going to give you some prescriptions.  I want those prescriptions carried out so I will give them to your housekeeper tomorrow morning.

The Prescription

  • Have your housekeeper buy an adult African violet of every hue that you do not own.
  • Buy fifty potting pots
  • Buy a supply of soil
  • But two hundred gift flowerpots

My orders:

  • Every time a baby is born to a member of the church, send the baby an African violet.
  • Every time a baby is christened, give them an African violet.
  • Every time a church member gets sick, give them an African violet.
  • Every time a girl announces her engagement, give them an African violet.
  • Every time a couple gets married, give them an African violet.
  • Every time there is a church bazaar, donate twelve to twenty of your African violets.

Each time one of those events happens, have your handyman drive you to the homes of the people who are affected by these happy or sad events.

Bring them a plant and your congratulations or condolences and comfort, whichever is appropriate to the situation”.

After that advice, Erickson left and never spoke to the older woman again.

20 years later, Erickson told this teaching tale to a group of his students; he pulled out an old yellow Milwaukee newspaper article with the headline:

“African Violet Queen of Milwaukee Dies… Mourned by Thousands”.

The formerly depressed and suicidal woman died fulfilled with countless friends of all ages mourning the passing of their special friend.

One of his students raised his hand and asked Erickson, “Why did you have her give out plants instead of treating her depression?”

After pausing for what felt like an eternity for Erickson’s curious students, he finally replied, “I looked around her house, and the only sign of life I saw were those African violets.  I thought it would be easier to grow the African violets part of her life than to weed out the depression“.

Moral Of The Story

Erickson’s ability to analyse people and invent instant, intuitive interventions earned him the reputation of being a true master of his craft.

Some even went a step further and thought that he was a psychic.

A lot of his success is based on his discovery that human beings are a story-telling species.

Contrary to his contemporaries, Erickson believed that rather than pointing out the apparent insufficiencies of the client, it is more efficient to express his insights in forms of tales, myths, or anecdotes and send his clients on personal journeys where they would rediscover the strength in themselves.

The story of the African Violet Queen of Milwaukee is so profound because Erickson instantly realised the origins of the nihilistic suffering of the old lady.

What the lady was lacking was meaning, connection, and responsibility.

Rather than going with the norm, Erickson discovered and built a therapeutic intervention around the uniqueness of his client.

Instead of focusing on all of the broken, gloomy, and dead parts of the old lady, he decided to focus on the light and build a new life around that single source of purpose.

Taking care of African violets is a lot of work, the watering has to be on point, the light has to be perfect, and she even needed to talk to her plants to make them flourish.

She was busy with that task from early morning till late at night.

And, with this newfound source of eustress, there was no time to be depressed anymore.

My closing message for you:

You, me, and everybody else on this planet are a once in a lifetime happening.

There was never a copy of you, and there never will be one.

Since the totality of your being is as unique as a fingerprint, it is time to start treating and caring for yourself as if you matter, because obviously, you do.

This is your life.

Act like it.

Dr Susan Weinschenk – How To Get People To Do Stuff {Book Review}

It does not matter what your profession is; we are all in the business of getting people to do stuff.  Whether you are a painter who wants to get people to watch your art, or an entrepreneur who wants people to use their product, or a teacher who wants to get their students to learn (or to shut up), the key to success is to understand the human psychology behind motivation.

In addition to the pleasure of reading and reviewing Dr Weinschenk’s book,  I also had the privilege of interviewing her personally for The Psychology Podcast.  If you have not already heard it, go and check out our conversation now.

30 Second- Summary

Dr Susan Weinschenk identified seven basic drivers of human motivation that make us want to do things, and much to my delight she had already summarised them on her website.

The Need To Belong

Have you ever felt left out?  Not part of a group you wanted to be part of.  It probably made you feel sad, depressed, or angry, or all of the above.  We are ultimately social animals, and our desire to connect with others is a strong, innate drive.  We are not meant to live alone, and we will work hard to be socially accepted.  We need to feel that we have a place in the world where we belong.

You can use the need to belong, and the longing for connectedness, to get people to do stuff.

For example:

  • If you use nouns when making a request, rather than verbs – for example: “Be a donor” versus “Donate now” –  it results in more people taking action. That is because nouns invoke group identity.
  • People are more likely to comply with a request if they trust you.
  • The best way to get others to trust you is first to show that you trust them.

Habits

It might surprise you to learn how much of everything we do in a typical day; we do out of habit without even thinking about it.  We do not even remember how those habits got formed.

We hear so much about how it takes months to create a new habit.  How could that be when we seem to have created hundreds of them easily without even realising it?  It turns out that it is actually very easy to create a new habit, or even to change an existing one if you understand the science behind habit formation.  You can use the science of habits to help other people create or change habits, so you can get them to do stuff.  Here is a little bit of information about the science of habits:

  • The easiest way to create a new habit is to anchor it to an existing habit.
  • If you use anchoring, you can get people to create a new habit in less than a week.
  • An important part of getting someone to create a new habit is to break things into really small steps.

The Power Of Stories

What kind of person are you?  Are you someone who helps those in need?  Do you keep up with the latest trends and fashions?  Are you a family person who spends time and energy nurturing family relationships?

We all have self-personas.  We tell ourselves, and other people, stories about who we are, and why we do what we do.  Some of our self-personas and our stories are conscious, but others are largely unconscious.

If you understand these self-personas, then you can communicate in a way that matches those self-stories and thereby get people to do stuff.  For example:

  • If you can get people to take one small action that is in conflict with one of their self-personas, that one small step can eventually lead to big behaviour changes.
  • You can prompt someone to change their own story by having other people share their stories. If someone hears the right story, you can get people to change their own self-stories in as little as 30 minutes, and that one change can alter their behaviour for a lifetime.
  • Writing something down (in longhand, not typing) activates certain parts of the brain, and makes it more likely that people will commit to what they wrote.

Carrots And Sticks

Have you ever been to a casino?  Think about this: you spend a lot of time and energy trying to get people to do stuff; you may even offer rewards or pay people to do stuff, and yet a casino gets people to pay them!

Casinos understand the science of reward and reinforcement.  Here are just a few things the science of reward and reinforcement tells us about how to get people to do stuff:

  • If you want consistent behaviour, do not reward people every time they do something, just some of the time.
  • People are more motivated to reach a goal, the closer they get to it.
  • Let us say you own a coffee shop and give people a stamp for each cup of coffee they buy. After ten stamps, they get free coffee.  Did you know that as soon as they get that free coffee, their coffee buying and drinking behaviour will slow down for a while?
  • When you punish someone, it only works for a little while. Giving rewards is more effective than punishment.

Instincts

Imagine you are driving down the road, and there is an accident ahead.  You tell yourself not to slow down and look, and yet you feel the irresistible urge to do exactly that.

Being fascinated by danger is one of our basic instincts.  Instincts are strong and largely unconscious.  They affect our behaviour.  Sometimes, you can get people to do stuff just by tapping into these instincts.  For example:

  • People are more motivated by fear of losing than the possibility of gaining something.
  • We are basically all “control freaks”—the desire to control starts as young as four months old.
  • When people are sad or scared, they will want familiar. If they are happy and comfortable, they will crave something new.

The Desire For Mastery

Even stronger than giving an external reward is the desire for mastery.  People are very motivated to learn and master skills and knowledge.

Certain situations encourage a desire for mastery, and others dampen the desire for mastery.  You can use what we know from the research on mastery to set up conditions that will encourage and stimulate the desire for mastery, and by doing so, get people to do stuff.  For example:

  • Giving people autonomy over what they are doing will stimulate them to master a skill, and will motivate them to work harder.
  • If people feel that something is difficult, they will be more motivated to do it.
  • Do not mix praise with feedback if you want to stimulate the desire for mastery. Just give objective feedback.

Tricks Of The Mind

You have probably seen visual illusions—where your eye and brain think they are seeing something different than they really are.  What you may not realise, is that there are cognitive illusions, too.  There are several biases in how we think.  Our brains are wired to jump to quick conclusions.  This is useful in reacting quickly to our environment, but sometimes these fast conclusions and decisions lead to cognitive illusions.  You can use these tricks of the mind to get people to do stuff.  For example:

  • If you mention money, then people become more independent and less willing to help others.
  • People filter out information they do not agree with, but you can get past those filters by first agreeing with them.
  • People are more likely to do something if you can get them to phrase it as a question to themselves (Will I exercise each week?) than if you get them to say a declarative statement (I will exercise each week.)

My Favourite Quote From Dr Susan Weinschenk

Many of life’s failures are men who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up…”
―  Susan M. Weinschenk, 100 Things Every Designer Needs to Know About People

My 3 Take-Aways

Lesson 1: Make People Feel Successful

At the beginning of Mark Twain’s “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer”, Tom has to paint a white fence in front of his aunt’s house.  Being the cunning devil that he is, he tries to figure out how he can get somebody else to do the work for him.  When other boys come around, he depicts the activity of painting as very special, only to be completed by someone with extraordinary skills.

“I recon there ain’t one boy in a thousand, maybe two thousand, that can do it the way it’s got to be done”. 

In the end, Tom gets what he wants, and the boys paint the fence for him.

One of the things that I learned from Dr Weinschenk’s book, is that to get people to use your products, you want them to feel like they belong to an attractive group.

I still remember the feeling I had when I bought my first MacBook.  I was not only intrigued by the idea of owning a nice piece of tech, but I felt part of an innovative movement.  Just as much as I purchased a laptop, I purchased status and a slightly transformed self-image.

Dr Susan Weinschenk calls the motivational driver behind this phenomenon, “The need to belong”.

Lesson 2: Understand The Power Of Stories

Do you remember the Snickers advertisement where the bitchy guy transforms into a diva when he is hungry?

We all are schizophrenic to some degree, having multiple personas living inside our brain.  When you are with your friends at a party, you are acting differently to if you were sitting at Christmas with your family.  We all act out different roles throughout our lives, son, mother, friend, employee, citizen, team-mate, student…

One of the drivers of motivation is our tendency to act consistently with our perception of who we think we are.

If you want to get people to do something for you, you can activate one of their personas.  If you want people to donate money for a good cause, you can remind them of some of the good deeds that they have done, and speak about that they might be the kind of person who helps others.

I was once approached by a guy on the street who said: ”you look like the kind of guy who cares about his environment, do you have 2 minutes for me?”

Our interaction ended with me signing for a donation to a formula for saving bees.  He successfully guided me towards the behaviour of donating because I wanted to act accordingly with the persona of “good person” which he had activated in me.

Lesson 3: Mastery Trumps Rewards

One of the common misconceptions in our understanding of motivation is that to get people to do stuff; we MUST reward them externally.  A lot of companies seem to promote the belief that human beings are lazy by nature, and that people can only be motivated to do things by paying them.

If this were true, people would use their free time only in watching Netflix, and slurp Pina Coladas at the beach at every opportunity they get, this, somehow, does not seem to be true for everybody.

People do an insane number of things without being rewarded monetarily.  We climb mountains, learn mathematics, volunteer to help the poor, and create companies.

The idea that we are like mules, who are only motivated by carrots hanging in front of us, is outdated, and more often than not, mastery and goal attainment trump reinforcement.

The video below explains this idea perfectly:

My Opinion In One Sentence

How to Get People to Do Stuff” is a treasure trove of stories, case studies, and psychological experiments.  It is by far, the most informative book on human motivation that I have read. 

Am I An Addict? 6 Signs Of Addiction

How Do I Know If I Am An Addict?

I found the answer to this question in the most bizarre way possible.  I was travelling alone in Colombia, and I attended the breakfast electro festival in Medellin.  It was crazy.  6,000 people, hot Latinas, rollercoasters, and cocaine everywhere.  A weird spectacle.  I already was a couple of weeks in Colombia, and I drank and partied every opportunity I had.  It was great.  Or at least this was what I told myself at that time.  I was in bad shape.  My body and spirit were weak, and I began to walk on my last pair of legs.  I was driven by the fear of missing out and the addiction of more—sensation seeking at its best.  I was running away from my responsibilities, my university, and my obligations.  Or in short, I was running away from myself.

It finally came crashing down when I met two travelling hipsters who suggested that a great way to enjoy my last weekend in Medellin was to try ecstasy for the first time.  I thought this was a great idea, try everything once, right?!

Well, I had no idea how to dose the drug, and since I am a big guy, the guys suggested that I take everything at once.  For 30 minutes, I did not feel any effect.  Then suddenly, boom.  Within the next few minutes, I stumbled into the worst trip of my life.  I still remember searching desperately with my eyes for my buddy.  I could not talk properly anymore, but he saw the h.e.l.p letters written all over my face.  I then managed to stutter out some words after which he finally took me to the ambulance tent.  I still remember trying to explain to the Colombian nurse in my broken Spanish that I had an overdose of ecstasy and that I need water.

She, of course, did not understand.  It was a hilariously weird situation.  She finally asked me “are you ok, mister?”

I said that I am not.

That I need help.

In this very moment, I was done glamorising my excesses around the world.

I was by no means ok, and I had gotten myself in this mess, so maybe I should get help to get out of it.

I ran out of lies to tell myself, and places to escape to.

I lied to myself that I was ok, that this was fun, that I had a blast, that I needed no help, and finally, I was honest again.

The epiphany that the entirety of planet earth is not enough to outrun yourself is a frightening feeling.

Addiction and substance abuse feel like a prison that you take with you everywhere you go.

I was alone on the other side of the world in an ambulance tent, and I was no longer able to live in denial.

I was giggling, unable to cope with the situation, this must be rock bottom, right?

It felt like a breakdown.

What it really was,  was a breakthrough.

I wrote this piece because there are many people dear to me who are in desperate need of such a breakthrough, a liberation from their own self-destructive character.

I choose to write today’s article because people left and right from me are suffering from addiction, and are not even aware of it.  Diagnosis is always the first step.  You cannot fight an enemy that you cannot see.

Escaping from your pain creates more pain.

So how do you know if you are an addict?

This question is something only you can answer.  Many tests give us a pretty good idea if our behaviour is addictive.

I am not a big fan of these tests.  It all comes to another question, in my opinion; is your life controlled or dominated by a drug?

Is the drug that you are using getting in the way of you doing the things you genuinely want to do?

Most commonalities of all addictions include health problems, failure to meet your responsibilities at work or home, impaired control, social impairment, and risky sexual behaviour.

It is so hard to wake up from an addictive mindset because addicts create an entire world around themselves where their behaviour is normal.

A sick world.

This is why it is so hard to spot addictive behaviour at first because often, you are not violating the code of conduct of your environment.

In general, addicts and people who are using build a happiness trap around them.

A circle that gives them joy, coping, excitement, connection, and validation but is driven by a drug that at the end, will leave you in a worse state you entered in.

A circle of deterioration.

It does not matter if you snort it, drink it, inject it, smoke it, or put it up your ass.

All drugs are painkillers.

So we need to stop asking why a person is weak and uses, and start to ask, “what is it that this person is grieving about”?

Where is all the pain coming from, and can we help to ease this pain in a good way.

6 Signs You Might Be Addicted(2)

Importance

The first sign that you might be addicted is how big of a space is that your addicted behaviour or drug is taking in your life.  When you meet your friends, is alcohol always present?

If your drug of choice is taking up a big part of your life, that is a red flag.

How much are you doing other things?

If you are using more and more time for your addictive behaviour, it is essential to know that we only have 24 hours.  This means that to sustain your addictive lifestyle, you need to carve out time from other areas of your life.  Maybe you do not go to the gym as much as usual; you neglect your university or job, or other parts of your social life.

The unconscious decision to live a life of addiction is, at the same, a decision to not have time for positive and healthy activities.  When was the last time that you had a weekend where you came back healthier and happier and more energetic?  Time is limited, be very aware of what you do because it determines what you do not do.

Disruption

The second sign that you might be addicted is that your drug or addictive behaviour is getting in the way of your life, the things you genuinely want to do and your relationships.  Maybe you want to get in shape, and you never get yourself to work out because you are too weak from your weekly excess.  Are things that used to be important for you like certain hobbies, not as important anymore?  Did you give up on some personal goals?  Are you ignoring some of your responsibilities because of your addiction?

And, the most critical question: are you getting better or are you getting worse?

If you feel that your addiction is getting in the way of your motivation, this is a huge red flag.

Who are the five people you spend the most time with?  Are they all addictive personalities?  If so, this can give you valuable information about what kind of social system you are living in.  Again, addicts create a system around themselves in which their behaviour is normal.  So, you need to critically evaluate not only your behaviour but the norm of your social environment.  Sometimes it is not you who is sick, but you live in an environment that is dominated by addiction and deterioration.

Ask yourself: If you do not change anything in your life, where will you be in three years, socially, health-wise, career-wise?  If you do not stop your undesired behaviour, what will it eventually cost you?

Prevalence

The third sign that you might be an addict is Prevalence.

Do you find yourself doing the addictive behaviour more and longer than you originally planned?  This is typical, I am going to have only two beers, and then you end up getting smashed till the night is over.

When you look at the 365 days of the year, how many days is your addictive behaviour present in the form of you using, or you dealing and feeling with the consequences (hangover, for example)?

Addiction is in the business of more.  Your body adjusts to the drug, and with time, you need larger and larger doses to reach your preferred high.  Is your addictive pattern changing other habits?  Maybe it is hurting your eating habits, sleep rhythm, or your appearance.  Did somebody tell you lately that you do not look as fresh as usual?  Is your bank account bleeding because of your residual excesses?

Are you making excuses for it?  Maybe you say this is just the way I am?  If your addictive pattern is becoming more impossible to hide, it is time to talk to someone.

Risky Behaviour

Another sign that you may be an addict is you having risky behaviour.  Is your addictive behaviour hurting you socially, financially, career-wise, or even health-wise?  Maybe you are having unprotected sex when you are high, or you cheat on your loved one, or you get in trouble with the law because you drove home from the party drunk?

Those are all big red flags.  If your current way of going through life is putting your health, your education, your dreams, your job, and your social connections at risk, you may need to re-evaluate if you have a problem or not.

What about your psychology?  Anxiety, depression, memory problems, and difficulties with concentration can all be side effects of an addictive pattern.

Nobody wants to be an addict.  If you feel that you have something to hide, that you are ashamed of your behaviour, you should talk to someone.

Withdrawal Symptoms

The fifth sign that you might be an addict is that you have withdrawal symptoms.  Any time a drug is absent, the withdrawal symptoms kick in.  This can vary depending on the kind of addiction that you have. Still, if you have physical symptoms like restlessness, resentfulness, or being highly irritatable or defensive, it can be because you are in withdrawal.  If you often deal with withdrawal symptoms, like fatigue, or headaches, your body is telling you that he is not ok.

Reverting

Do you often say to yourself that you are going to quit or reduce your addictive behaviour, only to do the same the next weekend, maybe even more?

This is the classic symptom of ”I can stop any time if I want to, but right now is not the time for it“.

Have you ever tried to reduce the behaviour that you feel is addictive, only to see that your attempt was fruitless?

A big red flag is the feeling of not being in control.  Kind of like a person who stops making New Year’s resolutions because they are not going to follow through anyway.

This is a big red flag.  It means that a behaviour or substance is controlling you.  This can be you being a slave to your impulses, your pleasures, your anxieties, your fears, or your preferences.  You are beneath rational reason and reasonable judgment.  It all comes down to the most honest question, do you believe, from the bottom of your hearth, that this behaviour or substance is impacting the quality and health of your life negatively?

You only have one life; do you wish to live it like an addict?

Toxic Environment

You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.  A reliable way, in my opinion, to check if you are having troubles with a substance or addictive behaviour is to stop looking at yourself for a second and investigate your social environment.  How normal is it to use in your circle?  How many of your friends take drugs or have the same pattern you think you have?

Addiction is incredibly hard to spot because often, it is not seen as abnormal behaviour.  In our culture (Germany), it is, for example, not abnormal to get out every weekend and get so shitfaced that you cannot remember half of your night.  When we think of addiction, we still think of the classical heroin addict, who lives, eats, and breathes to get their next shot.

Alcohol was fathered in that we do not consider it dangerous or toxic anymore.  It is not a drug; it is a drink.  We drink alcohol in Germany when we celebrate a birthday; it is a psychological reward that we have conditioned to associate with something good.  New Year’s, birthdays, soccer games, coming home from work, and Christmas, alcohol is a celebratory drug at almost all occasions.

It is normal in Germany when we have a soccer game that everybody gets a beer.  Imagine a stadium full of 40,000 people all doing a little bit of cocaine.  The idea is weird, but this is actually what is happening.  A society that drugs itself daily.

I am not against drugs; I am against behaviour that gets in the way of people doing what they really want to do.

Evaluate and deconstruct your social circle.  Where do you usually meet?  Is it at the bar?  At the club?  Or in the library, or at the gym?

The reward of addiction is, in most cases, immediate fun, reinforcement, connectedness, and happiness.

What happens if you go cold turkey right now?  If you do not do alcohol for 3 months?  How will your friends react if you meet?  Will you be the odd man out?

We are all players in a social system.

We need to be self-aware and expose the system that we live in for what it really is.  This is the hard part about making steps towards sobriety, for example.  The realisation that your entire circle is held together by a drug, that you are all part of the wheel of self-destruction.  If this is the case, you need to escape or create a balance in your circle by adding more and more healthy people to your world, so it becomes abnormal again if you intoxicate yourself regularly.  This will be the hardest part because you need to leave people behind who you love.

Here are a few red flags that the Disorder Manual 5 lists as criteria to potentially diagnose a Substance Use Disorder.

Criteria for Substance Use Disorders

Substance Use Disorders span a wide variety of problems arising from substance use and cover 11 different criteria.  To be diagnosed with the disorder, you must display at least 2 of the following 11 symptoms within a year.  (2)

  • Consuming more alcohol or other substance than originally planned.
  • Worrying about stopping or consistently failed efforts to control one’s use.
  • Spending a large amount of time using drugs/alcohol or doing whatever is needed to obtain them.
  • Use of the substance results in failure to “fulfil major role obligations” such as at home, work, or school.
  • “Craving” the substance (alcohol or drug).
  • Continuing the use of a substance despite health problems caused or worsened by it. This can be in the domain of mental health (psychological problems may include depressed mood, sleep disturbance, anxiety, or “blackouts”) or physical health.
  • Continuing the use of a substance despite its having negative effects on relationships with others (for example, using even though it leads to fights or despite people’s objecting to it).
  • Repeated use of the substance in a dangerous situation (for example, when having to operate heavy machinery or when driving a car).
  • Giving up or reducing activities in a person’s life because of the drug/alcohol use.
  • Building up a tolerance to the alcohol or drug. Tolerance is defined by the DSM-5 as “either needing to use noticeably larger amounts over time to get the desired effect or noticing less of an effect over time after repeated use of the same amount”.
  • Experiencing withdrawal symptoms after stopping use. Withdrawal symptoms typically include, according to the DSM-5: “anxiety, irritability, fatigue, nausea/vomiting, hand tremor, or seizures in the case of alcohol”.

These criteria are not meant to label you, I simply named them because they should give you food for thought so that you become better at spotting patterns and red flags in your behaviour.

Diagnosis always comes first.  Nobody can fight an enemy that they cannot see.

Questions To Ask Yourself If You Suggest That You Might Think You Have An Addiction(1)

  1. Do you feel a compulsion to consume drugs or alcohol to get through the day?
  2. Do you crave alcohol or drugs at a specific time every day?
  3. Have you ever sought medical attention because of your drug or alcohol use?
  4. Has anyone ever suggested you quit or cut back on drinking or taking drugs?
  5. Have you made promises to control drinking or using drugs, and broken them?
  6. Have you tried multiple times to stop using without success?
  7. Has your performance at school, work, or home been affected by your drug and alcohol consumption?
  8. Is your drinking or drug use jeopardising your job or business?
  9. Has your drinking or drug use interfered or caused problems with personal relationships?
  10. Has drinking or drug use led to financial difficulties?
  11. Have you become less ambitious or productive since drinking or using drugs?
  12. Do you always think about the next time you can drink alcohol or take drugs?
  13. Have you suffered from memory loss after using drugs or alcohol?
  14. Are you able to drink or use more drugs now without feeling the repercussions, compared to when you first started?
  15. Do you experience withdrawal symptoms after a period of time when you have not consumed drugs or alcohol?
  16. Do you go to extensive lengths to obtain drugs or alcohol?
  17. Do you remain intoxicated for several days at a time?
  18. Do you say or do things while intoxicated you later regret when sober?
  19. Is your drinking or drug use a means to escape worries or troubles?
  20. Do you drink or use drugs alone?
  21. Do you drink or use drugs because you are shy with other people?
  22. Do you drink or use drugs to build self-confidence?
  23. Are you experiencing sleeping problems due to drinking or drugs?
  24. Are you hanging out with old drinking or drug buddies you knew before rehab?
  25. Do you experience distress, anxiety, depression, restlessness, or feelings of aggression when you do not drink or use drugs?

If you have answered yes a couple of times, then it maybe should give you food for thought to talk to a friend and hear they honest opinion if they think you might are risking your health long term.

Case Study

David’s Story

By the age of 40, most people would have said I led a happy and successful life.  I was married with teenage children, had a well-paid professional job, and was actively pursuing hobbies in my free time.

But, behind the façade things were far from right.

My adolescent years had been unhappy ones, though I would keep it all to myself – the loneliness, oversensitivity, bullying, low self-esteem, and a desperate desire to be seen as successful by others.

As a student and later at work, there were times when I found myself drinking too much and making a fool of myself, but I thought everyone did that sometimes.  In my 20s and 30s, as the demands and responsibilities of adult life increased, the occasions when I drank too much became more regular, and when I had been drinking I lost my inhibitions, and my sexual behaviour became increasingly promiscuous.

I Did Not Want To Hear That I Should Stop Drinking

I realised that things were out of control and sought help through my GP and various counsellors.  But, I did not want to hear what they told me – that the solution for me involved stopping drinking.  I could not imagine my life without a drink and the escape it gave me.  I wanted to believe that I could control my drinking and associated behaviour, despite all of the evidence that I could not.

My wife and children suffered enormously, I missed work through sickness, I had periods of memory loss after drinking, and I felt increasingly hopeless.  Attempts to stop drinking provided brief periods of respite, but they always failed, and the drinking, uncontrolled behaviour, and my sense of shame and despair spiralled out of control.

Turning to Priory for Support

I found myself at the Priory after attempting suicide while under the influence of alcohol.  I was diagnosed with alcohol addiction, sex and love addiction, and unresolved childhood trauma.  To start with, I was not convinced about sex and love addiction, and just thought I did some bad things after drinking too much.  But, I did accept that if I continued doing what I had been doing, it would cost me my life.

Initially, I found it confusing, wondering what I was supposed to say in the group therapy sessions, and puzzled by some of the language, the rules, and procedures.  But the mist soon cleared.  I had imagined the Priory as a place for the rich and famous, but what I found was people from all walks of life, whose lives – like mine – were being destroyed by an addiction of one kind or another.

For the first time, I found I was able, to be honest and open with my peers and the therapists about my addiction and its consequences.  The programme introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step programmes, where I met people leading happy and successful lives in recovery.  I had always dismissed AA, but now I wondered what I could learn from the people I met.

My Recovery Journey

As well as gaining a better understanding of myself and my addiction, the Priory gave me a set of tools and strategies for sustaining my recovery in the outside world.  At the heart of the Priory’s approach is the importance of addicts supporting each other in recovery.  I found the weekly Aftercare sessions with other patients, who had been through the Addiction Treatment Programme immensely valuable.  I supplemented these with one to one therapy with an addiction therapist recommended by the Priory.

I have been in recovery for over two years now, and my outlook on life has changed completely.  I am at peace with myself and those around me in a way I never thought possible.  Life has its ups and downs, but I take it as it comes without trying to escape from the world or myself by reaching for a drink.  I no longer feel the need to drink and take pleasure in living each day for what it has to offer.

If I have one piece of advice for anyone struggling with substance or behavioural addiction, it is to ask for help.

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge.  It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason.  It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom”.
―  Edgar Allan Poe

Negative Consequences Of Addiction

Brain Chemistry

The human brain is the most complex organ in the human body.  Although it may weigh less than 3 pounds, it somewhat mysteriously controls both your thoughts and the physiological processes that keep you alive.  Drugs and alcohol change the way you feel by altering the chemicals that keep your brain working smoothly.

Let us get into the science of things.  When you first use drugs, your brain releases a chemical called dopamine that makes you feel euphoric and want more of the drug.  After all, it is only natural to want more of the thing that makes you feel good, right?

Over time, your mind gets so used to the extra dopamine that you cannot function normally without it.  Everything about you will begin to change, including your personality, memory, and bodily processes that you might currently take for granted.

Health Complications

Drug and alcohol use impacts nearly every part of your body from your heart to your bowels.  Substance abuse can lead to abnormal heart rates and heart attacks, and injecting drugs can result in collapsed veins and infections in your heart valves.

Some drugs can also stop your bones from growing correctly, while others result in severe muscle cramping and general weakness.  Using drugs over a long period of time will also eventually damage your kidneys and your liver.

Infections

When you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, you may forget to engage in safe sex practices.  Having unprotected sex increases your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.  Sharing the needles used to inject certain drugs can give you diseases like hepatitis C, hepatitis B, and HIV.  You can also spread common colds, the flu, and mono from sharing pipes and bongs.

Legal Consequences

Drug and alcohol abuse not only has adverse effects on your health, but it can also have legal consequences that you will have to deal with for the rest of your life.  Many employers require that you take a drug test before offering you a job—many of them even conduct random drug tests even after you become an employee.  Refusing to give up drugs could end up making you unemployed, which comes with even more issues.

Driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol can lead to a suspended driver’s license, usually for 6 months to 2 years.  You will also need to pay hefty fines, and may even spend some time in jail.

Financial Problems

Drugs and alcohol are expensive, especially when you are using a lot and continuously.  Substance abuse also impacts your productivity and success at work and in school.  The time spent searching for, using, and recuperating from drugs can be better spent learning new skills to advance your career.

The legal issues tied to drug use will increase your bills as well.  Your car and health insurance rates may increase, and you will have to find a way to pay for arrest warrants, DUIs, and legal counsel.

Injuries and Death

If you use drugs and alcohol, you are more likely to experience physical injury or be involved in car accidents.  Even worse, you also have an increased risk of death through both suicide and homicide.

These drug-related deaths are on the rise, doubling since the early 1980s.  Alcohol specifically, results in 5.2 million accidental injuries, and 1.8 million deaths each year.  It is estimated that 1 out of every 4 deaths is caused by drugs and alcohol, according to the World Health Organisation.

How To Turn Your Dreams Into Goals — Smart Goal Setting

Deconstructing happiness and unhappiness has been the focal point of my interest for quite some time now. In my investigation of happy and successful people, one pattern popped up over and over.

I observed that happy and successful people seem to meet their expectations.  If they set a goal for themselves, they either accomplish that goal or even exceed their expected goals.

This results in them experiencing security because they internalise that they can conquer any problem that is heading their way.  Their belief in their own abilities to face problems and reach goals gets stronger.  Self-Efficacy is the name for this phenomenon.

Unhappy people, on the other side, seem to fail in meeting their expectations chronically.  They set out goals and dreams for themselves, but they constantly do not hit them.

This lowers their self-efficacy.  They believe less and less in themselves.  In consequence, they try less and less because why try if you know it is not going work anyway.

This, of course, is a mental fallacy—a wrong conclusion.  After enough failures, we eventually start to question our very ability.  We start to believe that having big dreams is just not for us.  That we are not smart enough, strong enough, creative enough.  We start to think we do not have the necessary resources to make our dreams a reality, while in reality, we are simply not resourceful enough.

So what is the difference between people who hit their goals?  Who makes their dreams come true?

Are goal getters just carved from a different material?  Is success, maybe, not for everybody?

The liberating answer to those questions is a simple no.  Goalsetting is a skill.  A learnable skill.

In this article, I am going to show you, one model that I have come across, that is really simple and will help you to transform your dreams into attackable goals.  So what is Smart Goal Setting?

What Is The SMART Goal Setting?

SMART is a goal-setting acronym that I first stumbled over when I was working in a psychiatric facility.  In Germany psychiatric, it is one of the first models that is taught to people with mood disorders.

I believe, however, that everybody should know about SMART Goal Setting, and that we should not wait until people are in pain before we help them.

The SMART model has its roots in the clinical psychology branch.  It was developed to help patients with their goal setting execution.  George T. Doran developed it.  It is a super easy model that, to this day, has helped millions of people.

I was always a dreamer.  I had super high goals and dreams that, honestly, were not going anywhere.  Consequently, I was living in a constant state of failure.  At one point I hit ground zero: I got temporarily kicked out of university.  The realisation that my dream of becoming a world-class psychologist was not going to happen anymore scared me straight, and I took a step back and critically evaluated why I was failing. One thing popped up: my dreams were just that: dreams.

I knew nothing about goal setting.  My entire quest of making my dreams come true was based on sheer motivation and was as unspecific as it could be.

The SMART model has helped me to transform my dreams into attackable, achievable projects.  Instead of vague resolutions, my goals became projects with measurable milestones.

So What Does Smart Goal Setting Stand For?

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Achievable
  • Relevant
  • Time-bound

Smart Goal Setting: Specific

Your goals should be as precise as possible.  Formulate what you want to accomplish.  The clearer your goal, the more likely that you will achieve it.  If your goal is to make more money, that is awesome, how much exactly do you want to make?  When you formulate a goal answer, the “W “question to specify as much as possible.  Clarity is power.

Our Goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act.  There is no other route to success –Pablo Picasso

  • What do I want to achieve?
  • Why do I want to achieve this goal?
  • Who is involved?
  • Where is it located?
  • What resources do I need to achieve this goal?
  • Why do I want to achieve this goal?
  • What are the possible alternative ways of achieving the same goal?

Smart Goal Setting: Measurable

Your goals should be measurable.  If you measure something, you can track your progress, and that motivates you.  If you meet your deadlines, you feel good about yourself, and you develop the habit of executing.

For example, let us say you want to learn Spanish.  Learning Spanish is a horrible goal because it is super hard to measure.  A better goal, for example, would be to learn at least 10 minutes of Spanish every second day.

If your goals are not measurable, you will live in a constant state of failure.  Having measurable milestones like 10 minutes Spanish every day is much more realistic, and you have a reason to celebrate a little bit every day, and you gain more and more momentum.

Smart Goal Setting: Achievable

You should focus on setting achievable goals.  They need to be realistic and attainable.  Be honest and real with yourself.  If your goal is to become a professional singer, but you cannot even hit one tone at your local karaoke bar even if your life would depend on it, then that is probably not a good goal to have.

Does that mean you should not shoot for the stars?

No!  There are tons of examples of people who made the impossible happen.

But, if you constantly set out goals for yourself that are too difficult, or unrealistic, you lower your own self-efficacy, which means your own belief in your abilities.  SMART Goal Setting is about mindset as well, and if you want to accomplish extraordinary goals, you need to be extra specific and break them down into smaller goals.  After all, the world needs dreamers.

Questions you can ask yourself?

  • How can I accomplish this goal?
  • How achievable is the goal, based on your natural abilities, financial factors, and so on?
  • What 3 things can I do today to become closer to this goal?
  • What 3 things can I do this week to become closer to this goal?
  • How can I break this goal into tiny milestones?

Smart Goal Setting: Relevant

This step is about to make sure that your goal is important to you.  Make sure that your goal is aligned with other goals of you.  Also, make sure that it is within your own control, whether you achieve your goals or not.  Here are some questions you should ask yourself when forming a relevant goal.

When you form a goal, and you need to ask yourself why you really want to achieve this goal?  What is the reward that you are hoping for?

Do you want to become a doctor because you want to help people, or do you want to be a doctor to be validated by others?

Often, our goals and dreams are really misrepresentations of what we truly want to be, and if you want to be successful, not because you want to be the best version of you, but because you want to be somebody finally, then this might be a wrong goal for you to have.

I believe that we always should start with the end in mind without “why” because often we take bizarre routes to our true needs.  Becoming a doctor is a hard thing to do; it involves years and years of studying.  If our goal is to be somebody, then this route might not even work at all.  Often, we do things because we have a misconception that achieving this goal will give us a reward in the form of emotion.  The naive belief that once we are somebody, we will be lovable.  But this, of course, is not how our mind works.  By starting with the why, we can save years and years of working in the wrong direction, and it will enable us to do what we really want to do.

  • Is this goal what you really want to do?
  • Is it wise to attack your goal now?
  • Is it within your own control to achieve this goal?
  • Why do you want to achieve this goal?

Smart Goal Setting: Time-Bound

Every goal needs to be time-limited.  This can in the form of deadlines.  Do you set a goal for yourself?  Great, when do you want to achieve it?  What do you have to do each day to make this happen?

Creating realistic deadlines is very important.  Again you want to protect your own self-efficacy.  Every time you set a deadline and you fail to meet your expected result, you lower your own belief in your abilities, and you weaken your mindset.  Having realistic expectations is very important because of that very reason.  Happiness, in my opinion, has much to do with meeting or even exceeding our expectations.

Some questions that can help you form a time-bound goal.

  • When?
  • What do I want to achieve 3 years from now?
  • What do I want to achieve 1 year from now?
  • What do I want to achieve within 3 months from now?
  • What do I want to achieve this week?
  • What do I have to do today?
  • What do I have to do to achieve my goal in half the time?

Bonus: Smart Goals Setting + Habits

One thing that I think SMART Goal Setting misses out on is to emphasise the importance of habits.

Habits are behaviours that you do each and every day.  The rituals and behavioural patterns we have determine, ultimately, what kind of results we are getting.

SMART Goal Setting is great to tackle goals, but it completely misses out on attacking the root of a problem.

Imagine one of your goals is to lose 40 pounds.  SMART Goal Setting is perfect for achieving this goal and helping you to conquer this milestone.  But what happens after you reach that goal?

For most people, they slack off then and regain the pounds.  Why is that so?

In my opinion, because they do a bad job of implementing the necessary habits to change their behaviour long term.

Another example would be the problem of having a messy room.  SMART Goal Setting would be perfect for creating a plan to clean up this room.  But after some while, it will get messy again because you do not attack the habits that are responsible for you having a messy room.  This can be, for example, that you tend to throw your jacket on the chair after a long day in the office instead of putting it in your wardrobe.

Creating new habits is a necessity if you want to change your life for the long term.

This is why I believe the SMART Goal Setting strategy needs to be expanded.

Here are some questions that will help you to have long-lasting success.

  • What small thing, if continuously done, will have a big positive impact on my life?
  • What habits are necessary to reach my goal?
  • What habits are undermining my success?
  • What behaviour do I need to stop asap to reach my goal?

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Daniel Karim
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